The Style Invitational Week 952 Dead Letters
By Pat Myers,
Osama bin Laden has passed away, been
taken by his Lord,
Shuffled off this mortal coil, fallen on
his sword,
Moved to otherworldly realms
. . . Wait, this doesn’t work.
Niceties need not apply! He’s dead —
good riddance, jerk.
With the happy New Year, we
pause a moment in solemn reflection on those whose lives were lost last year,
and then we turn to the Style Invitational so we can write funny verses about
them. In our ninth annual Dead Letters contest: Write a humorous poem about
someone who died in 2011, as in the example above by Washington Post Poet in
Residence (though some among the unenlightened think of him as the Po’ Wit in
Residence) Gene Weingarten. It doesn’t have to rhyme, but it should be amusing.
Short verses are more likely to get ink in the print paper, but the best longer
poems will be published in the online Invite. Song parodies are permitted. You
can find lists of “notable deaths 2011,” etc., online.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a teeny-tiny
electronic device called the Annoy-a-tron. You stash it somewhere and turn it
on, and it emits a short beep . . . every few minutes. Donated by
Loser Kevin Dopart, who annoys us every, well, less often than that.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 9; results
published Jan. 29 (Jan. 27 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per
week. Include “Week 952” in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as
spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The
revised title for next week is by Dixon Wragg; the
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Chris Doyle. Join the
Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 948, in which you were invited to enter any of the previous year’s
Invitational contests, with possible updating of the subject matter. A number
of space-consuming entries appear in the online Invite at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.
The winner of the Inker
For Week 927, Burma
Shave-style highway signs:
Pi k a targ t
Lo d our g n;
Us our bu lets,
Ha e som fu .
W nch ster. (Dave Prevar,
Annapolis, Md.)
2. Winner of the book of
entries from old New York Magazine Competitions: For Week 898, predictions for
next year (for this week’s contest, we used 2012):
Oct. 4, 2012: In a feeble
“Wag the Dog” attempt, Obama invades Uzbeki-beki-bekistan. (David Genser,
Poway, Calif.
3. From Week 910, slightly
alter an ad slogan to be used for someone else:
Redskins quarterback Rex
Grossman: Takes a sacking and keeps on lacking. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
4. Week 893, 25-word stories:
“I have some distressing news,” said Dr. Stone. “During your last exam, I found
a lump in your breast.” Sally frowned. “But . . . you’re my
dentist.” (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
With further redo: Honorable mentions
Week 945, edible art: “The
M&Mpress,” a re-creation of Bob Staake’s cartoon in 3,100 M&M’s in
seven colors. (Craig Dykstra)
Week 896, if one company ran
another: If Victoria’s Secret ran Starbucks, you’d be served by bra-istas.
(Lois Douthitt, Arlington, Va.)
Week 898, predictions for
next year: April 20, 2012: After 72 days as a Wizard, a shamefaced Kris
Humphries tries to annul his contract. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
— Oct. 21, 2012: The world
ends after Harold Camping dismisses the Mayan doomsday prophecy as a
“fearmongering tactic to scam innocent people out of their hard-earned money.”
(Brian Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
Week 899, backward crossword:
TOETOTOE: Way better than sleeping nose to toe. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg,
Pa.)
Week 900, “Dear Blank”
letters: Dear Jimi: I like you, but I don’t like you that way. — Sincerely, The
Sky (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
— Dear Rick Santorum: Dude,
have you actually read my book? — Sincerely, Jesus (David Genser)
— Dear Keith Richards: Just
thinking about the old days and thought I’d drop you a line. Miss you, man! --
Fondly, Drugs (Rob Huffman)
Week 902, put a positive
sping on a bad-news headline:
Original: Iran says it downed
U.S. stealth drone; Pentagon acknowledges aircraft downing
Spun: U.S. spy technology
kept out of North Korea’s hands (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
Week 904, move a letter from
the beginning of a word to the end: Ubarf: The result of a terribly botched
recipe. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
— Curvys: Hallucinations of
shapely women that appeared to sailors suffering a vitamin deficiency. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
— Harecroppers: Rabbit’s-foot
farmers. (Kevin Dopart)
Week 906, slogan for the new
Loser Mug: Now with free chipping! (Craig Dykstra)
Week 910, slightly alter an
ad slogan for another use: American Standard: Plop plop, whizz whizz, oh, what
a relief it is . . . (Larry Gray)
Penn State: Reach out and touch
someone’s . . . (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Week 912, a two-word phrase
in which one word appears in the other word: Basement basemen: The Orioles’
infield. (Larry Gray)
— Yahoo! Ah! When your e-mail
finally loads. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Week 913, move a letter from
the end of a word to the beginning: Xinbo: A martial art that enables one to
handle an onslaught of tens, hundreds, even thousands of intruders at once.
(Tom Witte)
Week 916, make up a “bank
head” to follow an actual Post headline:
Post headline: Happy to take
fight on the road
Bank head: Misnamed dwarf
seeks vengeance on evil queen (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Post: Terrapin women capture
11th straight
Bank: Another heterosexual
detained by College Park paramilitary unit (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
Week 917, current-events
haiku:
Skins Game
Weekly, meekly, they
Gently lift fresh defeat from
Victory’s frail jaws. (Barry
Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Week 918, “grandfoals” from
the horse-“breeding” contest of Week 914: Moaner Lisa x Extra Fifty = Screamer
Lisa (Jeff Loren, Manassas)
Week 919, neologisms based on
13-letter terms: Cashingtonian: A lobbyist. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
— Wishingtonian: A Redskins
fan. (Craig Dykstra)
— Nothing but het: A totally
straight basketball team. (Steven Alan Honley, Washington)
Week 921, “Little Willie”
verses:
Willie, chef extraordinaire,
Cooked his little sister
Claire.
Mom and Daddy hardly missed
her:
“Be a dear and serve your
sister.” (Matt Monitto)
The day Willie choked on a
hamburger bun,
He died and his father cried
out, “Oh, my son!
I’ll miss you forever!” With
tears in his eyes,
He added, “You mind if I
finish those fries?” (Robert Schechter)
Week 924, false historical
trivia: The pet-rock industry collapsed in 1981 after dozens of “pebble mills”
were shut down because of mineral abuse. (Larry Gray)
Week 928, use a movie title
as the answer to a question:
A. Saw.
Q. How does a Maine
lumberjack feel after a hard day’s work? (Jeff Contompasis)
Week 932, Your Mama jokes:
Your Mama’s so fat she can occupy Wall Street all by herself. (Judy Blanchard,
Novi, Mich.)
Week 936, alter a
foreign-language phrase: Caveat preemptor: Do it to them before they do it to
you. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)
— Me plus ultra: Donald
Trump’s epitaph. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Week 939, combine two movie
titles: “Faust Times at Ridgemont High”: A student sells his soul to have Van
Halen play at his birthday party. (Dean Hebert, Mechanicsville, Md.)
— “The Color Purple Rose of
Cairo”: At last, Woody Allen makes a movie with black people in it. (Nancy
Schwalb, Washington)
Week 940, change a headline
by one letter and add a bank head:
Is your phone spaying on you?
Researchers warn against
leaving mobile devices in hip pockets (Elden Carnahan)
Week 943, write a question
for any of a list of “answers”:
A. Roman cavalry choirs. Q.
Who sings on the “Gleediator” soundtrack? (Steven Alan Honley)
Week 932, Limericks featuring
“e”- words:
In my garden while chasing a
mole, I
Stuck my arm down a rather
deep hole – I
Suspect what I hit
Was a pile of poo:
Now I gotta get checked for
e-coli. (Craig Dykstra)
From the Pentagon, memos have
spewed:
“B.R.A.C. plans must be
pursued!”
But for those who must drive
On I-395,
By their edifice complex,
you’re screwed. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
Week 938, supply
three new lines to follow the first two of a 19th-century limerick by Edward
Lear:
There was an Old
Person of Tring,
Who embellished
his nose with a ring,
Then with nothing
to lose,
Got two backside
tattoos
And wound up with
his butt in a sling. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
There was an Old
Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the
works of Vitruvius,
Yet ignored the
volcano:
“It’s dormant and,
hey, no
One knows just how
dangerous UV is!” (Chris Doyle)
Week 922, “Star-Spangled
Banner” parodies:
O say, can you see, o’er the
sea to our right
How the euro’s imploding
while leadership flounders?
Doesn’t matter to us, we’ve
no dog in that fight
For we’ve always been true to
the words of our founders.
Socialism we hate! This is no
nanny state!
(And our payments to China
are not all that late...)
In any fiscal crisis, a
brilliant plan we’ll surely mold,
We’ve got Congress on the
case... (gulp)
Sell the dollar! Buy gold! (Gary
Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Week 922 and also Week 929,
TV theme songs:
Oh my God, can you hear on
the TV at 9,
Tons of people deceived that
their voices are magic.
When they belt out each note,
all my cats start to whine,
For they’re butchering tunes:
an offense mighty tragic.
And their tone’s out of sync;
talk me down from the brink!
Too bad there’s no Simon to
tell them they stink.
“American Idol”: That whole
show is wrong;
I’ll put Justin Bieber on if
I want a bad song. (Matt Monitto)
Week 929, TV theme songs:
“The Bachelorette” (to the
tune of : “Anything Goes”; start the audio clip at 0:37)
In olden days you dated as
you aged
Then fell in love, became
engaged.
Now no sweat- There’s
Bachelorette.
All 25 stud muffins hot to
trot,
Striving for roses — that’s
the plot,
No kismet — Just
“Bachelorette.”
Each muscle-bound guy is tan,
Looking like Tarzan,
Quite the Dapper Dan,
With a love-nest plan,
Looking so deadpan as he
attempts to can
Any guy who’s a threat.
So if you’re looking for one
gal who’s dumb,
And dialogue that makes you
numb,
Don’t forget “ The
Bachelorette.” (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
Next week: Putting the SAT in satire or Connect the
dolts